PAINFUL REALIZATION
A woman and her husband were riding their Harley Electra Glide home to Columbus from Daytona Bike Week, but had to interrupt their trip to go to the dentist.
“I want a tooth pulled and I don’t want to waste any time with any pain killers because we’re in a big hurry,” the woman said.
“Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible and we’ll be on our way.” The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?”
The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”
HOMEWARD BOUND
A woman absolutely hated her husband’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from her home and leaving him at the park. As she was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day she decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. She put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up her driveway, there was the cat! She kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat her home. At last she decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until she reached what he thought was a safe distance from her home and left the cat there. Hours later the woman calls home to her husband:” Ed, is the cat there?” “Yes,” the husband answers, “why do you ask?” Frustrated, the woman answered, “Put that hairball on the phone… I’m lost! And need directions!”
YOU DON’T SAY
For those of you who watch what you eat, it’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies – so here’s the final word on nutrition and health: 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
MATH CONVERSIONS THAT MAKE SENSE
We Americans may never understand the Metric System, but here’s some math conversions that really make sense:
1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel & hitting the ground = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yds at 1 nautical mile/hr = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5′ in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod
8. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurt
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million motorcycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
20. 10 rations = 1 decoration
21. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
22. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
23. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
24. 4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at = 1 IV League
25. 100 Senators = Not 1 logical decision
A TOUGH CALL
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. “Where’s Harry?” the others asked. “Harry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied. “You left Harry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired. “A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Harry!”
QUICKIES
I’m so lazy, I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
“You can say what you want about the South, but I ain’t never heard of nobody retirin’ to the North!”
Man to his new bride: “Let’s try getting up every night at 2AM to feed the cat. If we enjoy doing that, then we can talk about having a baby.”
If You Sing Country Music Backwards,
You Get Your Wife, Job And Dog Back!
What do you call a Native American woman who has her period twice in the same month?
A two-cycle Injun!
THE RETIRED EXPLORER
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, “Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just soiled myself.” The reporter said, “Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same.” The old explorer said, “No, not back then – just now when I went ‘ROARRRR’!”
HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it “Housework.”
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, “Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?”
6. Calmly answer, “Yes,” and press the mouse button firmly……
7. Feel better?
LAST LAUGH
People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
