SNOW JOB
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.” Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.” Norman’s wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…” Then the power goes out. Norman’s wife is very upset and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?” With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time.”
A HORSE, OF COURSE
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. “What was that for?” he asked. “That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,” she replied. “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained. “Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.” Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What the heck was that for?” She replied, “Your horse called.”
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP…
10. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
9. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
8. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
7. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
6. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
5. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
4. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
3. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
And the number one sign you are getting old is:
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old self!!
THIS DOES NOT COMPUTE
I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Bob, the computer guy, to come over. Bob, clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?” He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.” I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An ID ten T error? What’s that in case I need to fix it again?” Bob grinned… “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?” “No,” I replied. “Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.” So I jotted down I D 1 0 T I used to like Bob.
SNOW BLIND
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work late one stormy night. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made her feel much better, and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was alright as she had been following him for a long time.
She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue to follow him if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.
LAST LAUGH
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
~Groucho Marx
