CURRENT EVENTS
● Not a good sign: My bank changed its hours to “9am – Till the money’s gone.”
● The presidential race is heating up. John McCain has said he will release his medical records by the end of the year. He’s not stalling, though. It’s just going to take a long time to print them out.
● Republicans say that John McCain will be good for business. They didn’t say what business, but speculators are guessing the Scooter Store, Doan’s Pills, Craftmatic Adjustable Bed, and the Miracle Ear.”
● Barack Obama held a fundraiser headlined by Barbara Streisand. It was $28,500 a plate — by staying home, putting on one of Bab’s CDs and ordering Dominos, I saved $28,488.
● On television today a Democratic operative pointed out that when Obama holds a rally 25-30,000 people show up, whereas when McCain holds one, he only draws 10-15,000.
The Republican spokesman replied, “That’s because McCain’s supporters are at work.”
● As happens in times of financial crises, the price of gold has skyrocketed. By the time the market closed yesterday, the value of Flavor Flav’s mouth doubled.
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
With the stock market in turmoil, and our savings and retirement funds in jeopardy, here’s a refresher course on Wall Street slang:
CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
INVESTMENT ADVICE If you purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49.00 left.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have $214.00 cash.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It’s called the 401-Keg.
FOREIGN AFFAIRS
Question – When you apply for welfare in Mexico, what does that government give you? Answer – A map of the United States!
CANNIBAL MENU
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. He felt a little hungry, so he sat down and looked over the menu:
Hickory-Smoked UN Ambassador: $3.50
Tourist Tartare: $5.00
Char-Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Deep Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over to his table and asked, “Why are the American politicians so expensive?”
The waiter replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of crap, it takes the whole darn morning!”
ICE CREAM FLAVORS
Ol’ Biker Bob rolled up to the Ice Cream stand and asked the waitress, “What kinds of ice cream do you have?”
“Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry,” the young blonde wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest, and seemed unable to continue.
“Do you have laryngitis?” asked the greybeard sympathetically. “Nope,” she whispered, “just vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.”
BAD EYESIGHT
Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.” His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help.” “He may be a hundred and three,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” replies the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” asks Arthur. “I don’t remember.”
