HOMELAND SECURITY
Breaking news from Alabama reports that Wal-Mart stores across the state have completely sold out of guns and ammunition. One customer told television news crews; “The Russians may get by with invading Georgia, but they ain’t gonna set one commie foot inside Alabama!”
THE 4th MARRIAGE
A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
“Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color are you looking for?”
The bride to be said: “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time – for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?”
“Well,” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, “I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.”
“What about your third husband?” asked the sales clerk.
“That one was a Politician,” said the woman, “and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened…”
HIGH MAINTENANCE
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…. So, I took her to a gas station…
HALLOWEEN HUMOR
The invisible man marries the invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either. TRICK OR TREAT… What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What is “Deja Moo”? The feeling that you’ve herd this bull before.
SCARY ENCOUNTER
A teacher was trying to get her seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. “How would you feel,” she asked, “if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a
strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn’t you be a bit scared?” “Nah,” one boy answered, “I’d just figure it was my sister’s date.”
BACK FOR MORE
One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as “Rocky,” in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more. “Aren’t you the same ‘Rocky’ who left my doorstep several minutes ago?” I asked. “Yes,” he replied, “but now I’m the sequel. I’ll be back four more times tonight, too!”
GHOST OF A CHANCE
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”
The drunk, still staring down replied: “I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!”
TOPSY TURVY
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other.
When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most…
“When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
Local townsfolk believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours.
He was feared, and actually enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket.
After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions was becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
“Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife put down her drink and said… “Nah… let the ol’ fart dig. I had him buried upside down!”
LAST LAUGH: “It’s easy being a humorist when you’ve got the whole government working for you.” ~Will Rogers
