DRIVING ME CRAZY
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt . USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!”
The wife stared at him. “What in the world is WRONG with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’M DRIVING.”
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER
A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day. The company’s massive machine was humming along, taking in the raw materials at one end and churning out the finished product at the other. All of a sudden, the machine stopped and ground to a halt. Workers climbed all over it like ants to get it started again. The plant’s manager stormed out of his office to find out why his multi-million-dollar machine wasn’t making him any money. He listened to his people saying they couldn’t figure it out, and he told them to call a technician. Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible. The technician listened patiently, took one look at the massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a screw. The technician took a screwdriver and turned the screw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong. The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company. The technician answered, “$100,000.00.” The manager looked at him and said, “You were here less then two minutes and just turned one screw. How can you charge so much? Give me an itemized bill.” The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper: Turning of one screw: $1.00 Knowing WHICH screw to turn: $99,9999.00
6 AGAIN
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.
‘I’d like to be six again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being six again??’
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
‘I meant my DRESS SIZE, you dummy!’
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he’s gonna get it wrong.
FUTURE HALL OF FAMER
“I’m the greatest batter in the world,” said the proud boy as he tossed the ball into the air and swung his bat. He missed. Undaunted, he threw the ball up again and said, “I’m the greatest batter ever!” He missed again. He looked at his ball and then his bat. Once more he tossed the ball up into the air. “I’m the greatest batter who ever lived!” He swung hard and missed. “Wow!” he exclaimed. “And I’m an even better pitcher!”
BARGAIN SHOPPING
A husband and wife are doing their grocery shopping.
The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans,” he says.
“Put them back. We can’t afford it,” says the wife and they carry on shopping…
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.
“Whoa, what do you think you’re doing?” asks the man.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” she says.
The man replies….
“So does a case of beer, and it’s half the price!!”
LAST LAUGH: “The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.” ~Robert Bloch
