LAST REQUEST
Two men, a cowboy and a biker, are sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, “Son, do you have a last request?” To which the cowpoke replied, “Yes sir, I do. I love to line dance. Could you please play ‘Achey Breaky Heart’ for me one last time before I die?” “Certainly,” replied the warden. He turned to the biker and asked, “Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?” “Please,” said the condemned man, “kill me first.”
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.
Then try 50-lb potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
OUT OF GAS
The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. “Could you please push me to the gas station?” The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station. “How come you didn’t turn in?” he yelled. “I never go there,” the girl shouted back. “They don’t have full service.”
DOG TIRED
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: “I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.” The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?!?”
MY SON, THE VETERINARIAN
One Sunday, in counting the money from the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the following week. The next Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put a distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for several weeks until the Pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. “Ma’am, I couldn’t help, but notice that you have been putting $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he said.
“Why yes,” she replied. “Every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church!” The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, but $1,000 is a lot of money. Are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?” The elderly woman answered, “$10,000 a week.” The pastor was amazed, “Your son must very successful. What does he do for a living?” he asked.
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That’s a very honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,” the pastor commented. “Where does he practice?” The woman proudly answered, “In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno!”
SILVER ANNIVERSARY
When a man was married 25 years, he took a look at his wife one day and said, “Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap rented house and a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 19-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde. “Now we have an $800,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice bed, and a plasma screen TV, but now I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.” His wife, being a very reasonable woman, told him to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap rented house, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 19-inch black-and-white TV, if he was lucky.
LAST LAUGH
“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” ~Calvin Trillin, Syndicated Columnist
