TOP TEN REASONS YOU KNOW YOU’RE LIVING IN 2008…
10. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
9. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
8. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
7. You e-mail the person who works at the desk right next to you.
6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
5. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
4. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
3. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.
2. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
And Number One: Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 (or 50) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go back home and get it!
NEWS HEADLINES: FROM THE YEAR 2028
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the fourth largest country in the world, Mexifornia, while minorities continue struggle to have English officially recognized as second language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being invaded by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
US Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
45-year $75.8 billion federal study completed: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Clones are people two!
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure in Mexifornia and Floruba.
Ralph Nader dies in car crash, ruling Green Party orders his brain downloaded into SkyNET global security system.
US Transportation Secretary Willie G. Davidson announces 100 Millionth motorcyborg sold. Honda-Davidson Cyber-cycles, powered by compressed rice, now dominate the world market.
Dick Clark to host American Idol.
Disco still sucks!
HAMSTER CARE
After buying her kids a pet hamster for Christmas, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility. One evening, exasperated, she asked them, “How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn’t looked after it?” After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, “Once?”
FREEZE!
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo’s igloo, where he said “Watch this!” and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. “Not bad”, said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo’s igloo, and he said “Watch this!” and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.
“Wow, that’s colder than mine!” said the first Eskimo.
But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo’s igloo. He said “Watch this!” and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went “FFFAAAARRRRTTT”.
FOURTH AND LONG
As in many homes on New Year’s Day, Janet and Jim, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch itself.
Hoping to keep the peace, Jim ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.
Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even brought him a cold beer. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Jim told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0.
“See?” Janet said happily, “You didn’t miss a thing.”
CHANGE IS COMING
I dialed a friend’s phone number on New Year’s Day and got the following recording: “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. As my New Year Resolution I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
LAST LAUGH: Aspire to inspire before you expire.
