TO ALL OUR READERS:
Our Legal Council has approved the following politically-correct Holiday Salutation:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only “AMERICA” in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wishee.
DISCLAIMER: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher…
AWWW, to heck with P.C. “HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A JOYOUS & PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR!” from Ridin’ On
GOIN’ POSTAL
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?” The clerk says, “What denomination?” The blonde says, “God help us, has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”
THE GIFT THAT KEEPS GIVING
One year, a particularly harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
SHOPPING SPREE
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,
“What are you charged with?” “Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant. “That’s no offense,” said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?” “Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.
CHRISTMAS CASH
During the Holidays, it’s always good to keep a couple of bucks in your pocket…
at least until their antlers start poking you!
SIGNS OF CHRISTMAS ARE EVERYWHERE:
* Bridal boutique marquee – “Marry Christmas.”
* Outside a church – “The original Christmas Club.”
* In a Gym window – “18 Shaping Days until Christmas.”
* On a stationery store banner – “For the man who has everything…a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”
Q: What do they call Santa’s helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses
Q: What do you call Santa Claus after he’s fallen into a fireplace?
A: Krisp Kringle
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
Did you hear what the dyslexic Highway Patrolman did on New Year’s? He spent the whole night handing out I.U.D.’s
NEW YEAR’S PRAYER FOR THE ELDERLY
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
NEW YEAR’S DAY PRAYER FOR ONE AND ALL
Dear Lord;
So far this year I’ve done well.
I haven’t gossiped, I haven’t lost my temper, I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent, and haven’t smoked or eaten anything fattening. I’m very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed… and from then on I’m probably going to need a LOT more help!
Amen
LAST LAUGH: “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
