CURRENT EVENTS
● “Of course, lots of sour news about the economy. The federal government has announced that due to the bad economy, it is going to have to lay off 40,000 postal workers. Yeah, 40,000 disgruntled postal workers. What could possibly go wrong?” —comedian Conan O’Brien
● President Bush and Barack Obama had their big meeting recently at the White House. And they found that with all their differences, they have one thing in common: Neither trusts the Clintons. Jay Leno
● There’s a new rumor that Hillary Clinton may end up being secretary of state. Which means she would have to spend the next four years traveling all around the world. To which Bill said, “Yes!”
● In the Senate, 90-year-old Robert Byrd will step down as Appropriations Committee chair. He’ll be replaced by Hawaiian Sen. Daniel Inouye, who is 84. Finally, we’re getting some young blood in there.
● As you know, President-elect Obama promised his daughters a puppy if they moved to the White House. He’s already getting advice on what the best breed of dog to get. For example, Bill Clinton told him that the Oval Office is a great place for a husky female.
● Only a few days past the election, and both parties are already gearing up for 2012. Unbelievable. How’s Barack Obama going to come up with a campaign slogan for 2012? “Don’t Change — Everything’s Fine!”
HOLIDAY STRESS
The pressure of the Holidays was getting to me and I really needed a few days off from work, but I knew the boss wouldn’t give me time off. I was stressing out from all the shopping, cooking, Christmas cards and kids, so I thought maybe if I acted “crazy,” then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I went into the office, hung upside-down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so the boss might think I was desperately in need of a few days rest. A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and asked, “What in the world are you doing?” I told him I was a light bulb. He said, “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and rest for a couple of days.” I jumped down and walked out of the office. However, when my co-worker started to follow me, our boss called out, “And where do you think you’re going?” She said, “I’m going home too. I can’t work in the dark.”
CHRISTMAS PICTURE
A youngster drew a Christmas scene that showed Santa, sleigh and reindeer. There were the regular eight and Rudolph plus a strange looking tenth animal. The addition looked like a cross between a reindeer and a cow with a green nose.
The youngster explained that it was . . . Olive, the udder reindeer.
The same creative youngster drew a nativity scene in Sunday school. In addition to the normal contingent of characters, there were three very tiny Chinamen wearing crowns.
He explained that they were . . . wee three kings from the Orient.
His baby Jesus was sleeping on a scale, his . . . a weigh in the manger.
The last bit of creativity showed three robed men standing in a flower bed under a full moon. They were . . . the shepherds who watched their Phlox by night.
SIGNS OF CHRISTMAS
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.” The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates”. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?” The man replied, “These are Carols.”
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION
A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette. “I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” his friend says. “I’m in the process of quitting,” the man says. “Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.” “What’s phase one?” asks his friend. “I’ve quit buying.”
LAST LAUGH: “Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.” ~Richard Lamm, American politician and lawyer
