ECONOMIC STIMULUS PLAN
The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 tax rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline, the profit will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer, the money will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables, the money will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala. If we purchase electronics, the money will go to Japan. If we purchase useless junk, the money will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy firearms and beer, since these are the only products still produced in the US.
LIE DETECTOR
Biker Bill was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, Biker Bill came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that Bill claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Little Johnny, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Little Johnny was over 2 hours late.
“Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” they asked.
“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project” said Little Johnny.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Little Johnny, knocking him completely out of his chair.
“Son, this robot is a lie detector; now tell us where you went after school.”
“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.”
“What did you watch?” asked Marsha.
“The Ten Commandments,” answered Little Johnny.
The Robot went around to Little Johnny and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Little Johnny got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched an X-rated film.”
“I’m ashamed of you son,” said Biker Bill. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”
The robot then walked around to Biker Bill and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can’t be too mad with Little Johnny. After all, he is your son!”
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.
21ST CENTURY REDNECK
If GPS can’t find your house…you might be a redneck.
If Google doesn’t know who you are…you might be a redneck.
But if local law enforcement knows who you are and where you live…you are a redneck!
GRANDMA EXPLAINS SEX!
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?”
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”
Little Tony just said, “Oh, OK,” and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and angrily said, “Grandma, it is NOT called sexual intercourse! It’s called bunk beds! — and Jimmy’s Mom wants to talk to you!!”
WIRED
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: “California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than New Yorkers.” One week later, “The Express News”, a local newspaper in Texas reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 meters in corn fields near Texas A&M, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless.”
GOT YOUR GOAT
At a High School in Montana, a group of students played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school.
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, 4.
Local school administrators spent the rest of the day looking for #3.
JUGGLING ACT
A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys’ car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat. “Sir,” the cop says. “Why do you have all those knives?” “They’re for my juggling act,” the man says. “I don’t believe you,” says the cop. “Prove it.” So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a couple of old bikers go riding by. Later on when they get their favorite hangout, one biker says to the other; “I’m glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard!!”
LAST LAUGH
“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.”
~Billy Crystal
