YOU’RE IN THE ARMY NOW
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a young man from the hills of West Virginia, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years now.
MECHANICAL MALFUNCTION
One day, Sparky was taking his lady friend for a spin on his Sporty. Sparky was trying to merge and no one was letting him over. He asked his pretty passenger to look at the blinker on the back of his motorcycle and see if it was working. The buxom blonde leaned back and said, “Yes! No! Yes! No!”
BAND-AID COVER UP
Tiny came home very late after another evening out drinking with his buddies at the bar. He took off his boots to avoid waking his ol’ lady, Tina. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Tiny sprung up, pulled down his jeans, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Tiny woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Terrible Tina was glaring at him from across the room. She scolded, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?” Tiny asked, “Why do you say such a mean thing?” “Well,” his ol’ lady continued, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly…..it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!!!”
A NATURAL MISTAKE Little Billy is five years old and just learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, “Look, Mama! It’s a frickin’ elephant!” Deep breath … “WHAT did you call it?!” “It’s a frickin’ elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!” and so it does … “A f r i c a n Elephant.”
RING OF IRE
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We’ve discovered that when I’m in a good mood, it turns green.
When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond.
TOP THIS FOR A SPEEDING TICKET!
Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.
Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:
Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose.
Also, the snap is broken on his holster. Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi.
NOW THAT’S JUST-US
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
“So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.”
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, attorney Paulson, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Hendren, gave me $10,000.”
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Paulson. “Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits!”
LAST LAUGH
“What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir … mighty scarce.”
~Mark Twain
