Dear IRS: Enclosed is my 2007 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5″ Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5″ Phillips Head Screws). It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. Sincerely, A Satisfied Taxpayer
WANNA-BE WRENCH
A motorcycle mechanic is applying for a job at the local shop that he really wants to get.
The boss says, “Can you roll your baseball cap down your arm and pop it back on your head?”
The mechanic nods, confused.
“Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man’s screwdriver?”
“Oh yes,” he replies.
“Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?”
“Sir, I’ve been doing that for years!” the mechanic tells him.
“Well in that case, I can’t use you. I have seven men doing that already!” says the boss.
THE HALF-WIT
A man owned a small farm in Kentucky. The Kentucky Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.
“Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He takes home $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week,” replied the farmer.
“That’s the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit,” said the agent.
The farmer said, “That would be me.”
RUDE AWAKENING
Two mothers are having a conversation about their children one day.
“How do you get your Marvin up so early on school mornings?” asks Joan.
“Oh, that’s easy,” replies Marianne. “I just throw the cat on his bed.”
“Why does that wake him up?”
“He sleeps with the dog!”
ITALIAN MATH
An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test. “Here’s your first question,” the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.” “Withouta numbers?” the Italian says, “Datsa easy,” and he proceeds to draw three trees. “What’s this?” the boss asks. “Ave you gotta no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,” says the Italian. “Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.” The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.” The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” “Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.” The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this guy, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.” The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go. One hundred.” The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!” (You’re going to love this one!!!) The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little doga come along and do hisa bizness by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data make a one hundred. So, whenna I start?”
NEW ARRIVAL
A Somalian arrives in Chicago as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!” The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am Mexican!” The man goes on and encounters another passerby; “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!” The person says, “I not American, I Vietnamese. “The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, “Thank you for the wonderful America!” That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Middle East, I am not American!” He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an American?” She says, “No, I am from Zimbabwe.”
Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the Americans?” The lady checks her watch and says…”Probably at work!”
Don’t forget to pay your taxes…… 12 million illegal aliens are depending on you!
LAST LAUGH: “Income taxes have made more liars out of the American people than golf.” ~Will Rogers
