DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING
Being winter time, and too cold to go riding, 2 bikers were out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife — she hasn’t spoken to me in over two months.”
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer. Then, thoughtfully says, “You better think it over — women like that are hard to find.”
MORE DEEP THOUGHTS
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says “Wow, that’s some hole, I can’t even see the bottom; I wonder how deep it is?”
The second hunter says “I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”
The first hunter says “There’s an old transmission over there, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see.”
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, and jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. “Say there”, says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”
The first hunter says “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!”
And the old farmer said “Why that’s impossible, I had him chained to an old transmission!”
PUTTING YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, “I’ve some bad news. You have incurable cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.” The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
“Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer, and don’t have long to live. Let’s head to the club and have a martini.”
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.”
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, “Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.”
The woman said, “I don’t want any of those witches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.”
That’s “Putting Your Affairs In Order.”
DUMBEST KID IN THE WORLD
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”
BORN A LUTHERAN
Eino, a Finnlander from northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran.
Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.
Now, all of Eino’s neighbors were Catholic…and since it was Lent, they were forbidden to eat meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally mentioned it to their priest.
The priest came to visit Eino, and suggested that Eino convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Eino attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Eino, he said, “You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic.”
Eino’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and as he rushed into Eino’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino; but he stopped in amazement and watched…
There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted, “You were born a deer and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye.”
LAST LAUGH: “A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” ~Herm Albright
