NAME CALLING
An elderly gentleman was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms – Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. . . The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, “I think it is wonderful that after all these years you still call your wife those loving pet names.” The old guy hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth. I forgot her name about 10 years ago.”
FALLING FOR THEATRICS
The biker lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the biker, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The biker groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager. The biker just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the biker, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s you’re name?” “Sam,” the biker moaned. “Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied… “The balcony.”
INTERVIEW WITH AN OLD LADY
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married — for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered. “Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face as she answered proudly, explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director. The reporter looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
HOMEMAKING 101
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?… and then you add eggs and sugar… and you get cake? Where did the glue go? NEED AN ANSWER? You know darned well where it went! That’s what makes the cake stick to your BUTT 🙂
WRONG E-ADDRESS An elderly Ohio couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly cold winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon forty years earlier. Now, because of their very hectic schedule, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So the husband left Cleveland and flew to Miami on Friday, and his wife was going to fly there the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, but unlike when they were there the first time forty years earlier, there was a computer in the room and he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. As he typed out the address, however, he accidentally made a one-letter mistake in the e-mail address. Meanwhile, in Houston, Texas, a Baptist pastor had just had a heart attack and died. His wife returned home from the funeral and decided to check her e-mail, thinking that there might be messages from relatives and so on. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted dead away. The widow’s son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He then saw the computer screen, and here is what it said: “To my darling wife, I know that you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you’re allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and checked in. I see that everything’s been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and I look forward to seeing you then.” “P.S. It sure is HOT down here!”
DEPRESSING SITUATION
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck!
BETTER WITH AGE
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm.
She hangs onto Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!” They’re amazed, but continue to ask. “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age”, Bob replies “What, did you tell her you were only 50?” Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
