I AM THANKFUL….
…for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.
…for the messy house to clean because it means I have been surrounded by family & friends.
…for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.
…for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
…for all the complaining I hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech.
…for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.
…for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.
…for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive.
…for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive.
THANKSGIVING DIVORCE
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” “Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”
TURKEY DAY TRIVIA
Do all turkeys gobble? Only male turkeys gobble
What U.S. state raises the most turkeys? California In l789, who proposed the turkey be our U.S. National bird? Benjamin Franklin About how many feathers do mature turkey’s have? 3,500
What famous person wears turkey feathers? Big Bird What is the greatest dressed weight recorded for a turkey? 86 lbs. When is U.S. National Turkey Lover’s Month? June What U.S. President proclaimed Thanksgiving a national holiday? Abraham Lincoln What year was Thanksgiving first proclaimed a U.S. holiday? l863 675 million pounds of turkey are eaten in the U.S. each Thanksgiving…Yum! What country eats the most turkeys? Israel
Who ate turkey on the moon? Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK THIS THANKSGIVING IF…
… you’ve ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a ping-pong table.
… Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
… side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
… your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
… if you’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
… your stuffing’s secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
… your only condiment is ketchup.
… you have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
… your secret family recipe is illegal.
BLACK NOVEMBER
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know.
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of Black November:
“Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you’ll get six meals instead of just three,
“And soon you’ll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you’ll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.
“And then one morning, when you’re warm in your bed,
In’ll burst the farmer’s wife, and hack off your head.
“Then she’ll pluck out all your feathers so you’re bald ‘n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin’ in the sink;
“And then comes the worst part,” he said, not bluffing,
“She’ll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing.”
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I’d have to lay low and remain overlooked.
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice, and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates, and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But ’twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death.
And sure enough, when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound.
So now I’m a pet in the farmer’s wife’s lap;
I haven’t a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said, “Christmas is coming…”
TURKEY Q&A
Q: Why wouldn’t the turkey eat any dessert?
A: He was stuffed!
Q: How did the turkey make the band?
A: Because he had his own drumsticks!
Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Q: What did the turkey say at the first Thanksgiving?
A: Eat me, Pilgrim!
Q: What did the Pilgrim say to the turkey at the first Thanksgiving?
A: Gobble, gobble.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM RIDIN’ ON
May your stuffing be tasty; May your turkey be plump, May your taters ‘n gravy have nary a lump, May your yams be delicious, May your pies take the prize, May your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off of your thighs.
