PUTTING THE HA HA IN HALLOWEEN
What did the skeleton say when he got on his motorcycle?
…Bone to be Wild!
What kind of roads do zombie bikers like to ride on? Dead Ends!
How do witches keep their hair in place while riding?
With scarespray!
Why was the skeleton afraid to pop a wheelie?
He had no guts….
How do you make a witch scratch?
Just take away the W.
What do you get when you goose a ghost?
A handful of sheet.
Why couldn’t the skeleton ride to Sturgis?
Because he had no body to ride with.
Father to son after exam: “Let me see your report card.” Son: “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”
Why did the Vampire subscribe to Ridin’ On magazine? He heard it had great circulation…
NUN TOO QUICK
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.” She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: First, you have to be single, and second, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!” “OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts sobbing. “My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.” The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”
SKOOL DAZE
Teacher: I see you missed the first day of school. Kid: Yes, but I didn’t miss it much.
Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with “t”. Pupil: Today and Tomorrow.
Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention? Student: I’m paying as little attention as I can.
Teacher: Why is your homework in your mother’s handwriting? Pupil: I used her pen!
Have you heard about the teacher who was cross-eyed? She couldn’t control her pupils!
SOUND LEARNING A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She then went around the circle and asked each one a question. “Davey, what sound does a cow make?” Davey replied, “It goes ‘MOO.'” “Alice, what sound does a cat make?” Alice said, “It goes ‘MEOW.'” “Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?” Jamie said, “It goes ‘BAAA.'” “Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?” Jennifer paused, and said, “Uhh … it goes … ‘CLICK!'”
MEN VS. WOMEN
A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?” He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humor.”
Girl: “When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.” Boy: “It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.” Girl: “Well that’s because we aren’t married yet!”
Wife : “Do you want dinner?” Husband : “Sure! What are my choices?” Wife : “Yes and No.”
One day a housework-challenged-biker decided to wash his own T-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted out, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?” “It depends,” his ol’ lady hollered, “What does it say on your shirt?” He yelled back, “Harley-Davidson.”
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.” The child thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So why is the groom wearing black?”
FOOTBALL WEDDING
Two guys are talking about their boss’s upcoming wedding. One says, “It’s ridiculous! He’s rich, but he’s 93 years old, and she’s a 26-year old stripper! What kind of a wedding is that?” The other says, “Well, we have a name for it in my family.” “What do you call it?” “We call it a football wedding.” The first asks, “What’s a football wedding?”
The other says, “She’s waiting for him to kick off!”
TOP TEN REASONS HALLOWEEN IS BETTER THAN SEX
10. You’re guaranteed to get a little something in the sack.
9. The uglier you are, the easier it is to get some.
8. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
7. Dressing up and fantasizing isn’t considered kinky.
6. It doesn’t matter if they fantasize you’re somebody else, because you are.
5. Forty years from now, you’ll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door.
3. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go again.
2. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON HALLOWEEN IS BETTER THAN SEX….. 1. You can do the whole neighborhood!
