BIDDING ON A GOVERNMENT CONTRACT
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.
One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The New Jersey contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
The New Jersey contractor whispers back, “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for You, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”
“Done!!” replies the government official.
25th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
At the banquet of Tom and Susan’s 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. “Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?” Tom responded, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”
CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT
A little guy is sitting at the bar, just staring into his drink when this big trouble-making lummox steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down. The poor little guy starts crying.
“Come on, man. I was just giving you a hard time,” the hooligan said, adding, “Let me buy you a drink because I can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy. “I can’t do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot I discovered my car was stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home, but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home, I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So, I came to the bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the darn poison!”
DEFINITIONS THAT SHOULD BE IN THE DICTIONARY
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: A pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
GRIM FAIRY TALE
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, “I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world.” Tom Thumb said, “I must be the smallest person in the world.” Quasimodo said, “I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world.”
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. “It’s official; I AM the most beautiful girl in the world.”
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, “I am now officially the smallest person in the world.”
Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says… “Who is Rosie O’Donnell?”
NOW WHAT?
A couple of bikers are out hunting in the woods when one of them falls to the ground and his eyes roll back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “Help! Help! My friend Bubba is dead! What’ll I do?”
The operator, in a calm voice, says, “Take it easy. I can help. First let’s make sure he’s really dead.” After a brief silence, a shot rings out. Then the guy’s voice comes back on the line. “OK, now what?”
LAST LAUGH
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer per year.
That means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon.
