T-SHIRT SALE
A biker walks into a motorcycle shop and sees a rack of T-Shirts on sale, 2 for $25.00. “How much is just one?” he asked. “Fifteen dollars,” answered the salesperson. “Then I’ll take the other one,” replied the biker.
THIS DOES NOT COMPUTE
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, “THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.” So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curseword known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: “It’s gone! It’s all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!”
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait!” he screamed. That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?” God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES!
SECOND CAREER
Tom was in his early 50’s, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. “Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but you’re being late so often is quite bothersome.” Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it.” “Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear. It’s odd though, you’re coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?” “They said, “Good morning, General.”
WIDDLE GIRL
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”
As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?”
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, “I don’t think my python weally gives a thit.”
WORDS THAT REALLY SHOULD EXIST FROM A to Z:
Abracadabbler: an amateur magician.
Badaptation: a bad movie version of a good book.
Carbage: the trash found in your automobile.
Dadicated: being the best father you can be.
Ecrastinate: checking your e-mail just one more time.
Faddict: someone who has to try every new trend that comes along.
Gabberflasted: the state of being speechless due to someone else talking too much.
Hackchoo: when you sneeze and cough at the same time.
Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighborhood.
Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer exists.
Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.
Lamplify: turning on (or up) the lights within a room.
Mandals: sandals for men.
Nagivator: someone who constantly assists with driving directions in an overly critical manner.
Obliment: an obligatory compliment.
Pestariffic: adjective describing a particularly pesty person.
Qcumbersome: a salad that contains too many cucumbers.
Ramdumbtious: a rowdy, energetic person who’s not too bright.
Sanktuary: a graveyard for ships.
Testimoney: fees paid to expert witnesses.
Unbrella: an umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.
Vehiculized: you own a vehicle. Wackajacky: very messed up.
Xerocks: two identical pieces of stone.
Yawnese: the language of someone trying to speak while yawning.
Zingle: a single person with a lot of pep in his or her step.
A FISHY STORY
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”
He says, “Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”
The wife responds in an angry tone, “Oh no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box.”
I HEARD THAT!
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%. The gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
LAST LAUGH
The good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
