OIL SALE
A biker walks into a motorcycle shop where he saw a big sign in the window saying “OIL 59 Cents a Quart!”
So he says to the guy at the parts counter, “I’m doing an oil change and need four quarts of oil, please.”
The guy shakes his head and says, “Sorry. I’m all out.” The man, disappointed, goes down the street to another bike shop and asks, “How much is your oil?” The proprietor replies, “It’s $3.29 per quart.” “Three twenty nine!?!” exclaims the customer. “Just up the street, they sell it for 59 cents!” The shop owner smiles calmly at the biker and asks, “Does he have any?” “No. He’s out right now.” “Well,” says the owner, “when I don’t have any, I can sell it for 49 cents a quart!”
THE SMARTEST DOG EVER
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 lamb chops, please.” Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: “What are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”
The owner responds, “Genius? Some Genius! It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”
OVER EASY
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful…CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!”
The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
STOP IT!
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking. Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat.. Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking. Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; This morning I stopped reading…
TOP 10 THINGS YOU’D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
10. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
9. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of karma to burn off.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
6. A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
5. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1?
4. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
3. Chaos, panic and disorder – my work here is finally done.
2. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
And Number One: I have plenty of talent and vision – I just don’t give a damn.
PET FISH
A good ol’ Boy was stopped by a game warden with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the hillbilly, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?” “Naw, my friend, I ain’t got no license. These here are my pet fish.” “Pet fish?”
“Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let ’em swim ’round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this here ice chest and I take ’em home.” “That’s a bunch of BS! Fish can’t do that!” The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, “It’s the truth. I’ll show you. It really works.” “Okay, I’ve GOT to see this!” The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, “Well?” “Well, what?” said the man. “When are you going to call them back?” “Call who back?” “The FISH!” “What fish??”
LAST LAUGH
255 YEARS AGO THIS MONTH — Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who in June 1752 flew a kite in a dangerous lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin’s brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as “A penny saved is a penny earned.” Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.
