TAX TIME
Tax his land, Tax his bed, Tax the table at which he’s fed. Tax his tractor, Tax his mule, Teach him taxes are the rule.
If he hollers, if he screams, Tax him beyond his wildest dreams. Tax his fun, Tax his drink, Tax him till he’s on the brink. Tax his tobacco and Tax cigars, Tax his gas and Tax his car. Tax all he has, then let him know The IRS wants all his dough. Then tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax the sod in which he’s laid. Put these words upon his tomb, “Taxes drove me to my doom…” When he’s buried, do not relax, Its time to apply the inheritance tax.
FINAL NOTICE
A taxpayer received a strongly worded “Final Notice” from the IRS that his taxes were overdue and the agency was prepared to freeze his assets. Hastening to the tax collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he must’ve overlooked any prior notice.
“Oh,” confided the tax collector with a wry smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that Final Notices are much more effective.”
THE TAXMAN COMETH
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. President Bush was so amused that he instructed the Federal Reserve to send the little boy a crisp new $5.00 bill, thinking that this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC… and those crooks deducted $95.00 in taxes!!!
ASHES TO ASHES
A bike shop owner on his deathbed called his buddy and said, “I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated.” “And what,” his pal asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes?” The businessman replied, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, Now, you have everything!”
REFINANCING
The phone rang. It was a saleslady from a mortgage refinance company. “Do you have a second mortgage on your home?” “No,” the man replied, “I own my home outright.” “Would you like to consolidate all your debts?” “I really don’t have any,” he said. “How about freeing up cash for home improvements?” she tried. “I don’t need any. I just recently had my house remodeled and paid cash,” he parried. There was a brief silence, and then she asked, “Are you looking for a wife?”
JOB TRANSFER
On a flight to New Orleans, Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. “What’s the matter?” Jack asked. “I’ve been transferred to New Orleans, and some really crazy people live there. They’ve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate.” Jack replied, “I’ve lived in New Orleans all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It’s as safe a place as anywhere in the world.” The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death. But if you live there and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?” “Me?” answered Jack. “I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”
TRIBAL WISDOM
The Tribal Wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that: “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.” However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed…such as: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride horses. 5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. 6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living impaired. 7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse. 8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed. 9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance. 10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance. 11. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses…. Sounds like typical government practice, doesn’t it?
DREAM JOB
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, “Hi… You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.” The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his limousine, but he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas vacations and shopping sprees. You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year plus a generous pension plan.” The guy, wide-eyed, says, “You’ve GOT to be KIDDING me!” The social worker says, “Yeah, well… you started it.”
LAST LAUGH
There will always be death and taxes; However, death doesn’t get worse every year.
