VALENTINE CARDS
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'” “But why?” asks the man. “I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
VALENTINE FOR OSAMA
A little boy comes home from first grade and tells his father that he learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. “As Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” he asks, “will God get angry at me for giving someone a valentine?” The father thinks for a moment and then says, “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?” “Osama Bin Laden,” the boy says. “Why Osama ,” his father asks in disbelief. “Well,” David says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d jump with joy. And then he’d go all over and tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.” Father’s heart swells and he looks at his son with newfound pride and joy. “David, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.” “I know,” David says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him.”
STUDENT OF PSYCHOLOGY
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine’s Day night and sees a beautiful young woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?” She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the pub started staring at them. Naturally, the guy was terribly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” At this the guy responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean? $300?”
DREAM ON
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?” “You’ll know tonight.” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it–only to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”.
VALENTINE QUICKIES
What did the biker give his ol’ lady on Valentine’s Day? A Hog and a kiss!
Why do valentines have hearts on them? Because spleens would look pretty gross!
Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? Sure, they’re very scent-imental!
What did the paper clip say to the magnet? “I find you very attractive.”
What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A hug and a quiche!
LION ABOUT SEX
Two guys are drinking in a bar. One says, “Did you know that the lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?” “Darn!” says his friend. “I just joined the Rotary Club.”
ULTIMATE TYPE-OH!
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, “We missed the ‘R’, we missed the ‘R’!” His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?” With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was… CELEBRATE!!!”
LAST LAUGH
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.”
~Abraham Lincoln, 16th U.S. President (1809-1865)
HAVE A HAPPY PRESIDENTS DAY TOO!
