DUELING BIKE SHOPS
A new motorcycle repair shop opened up for business right across the street from the old established place. The owners of the new shop put up a big bold sign that read: “TUNE-UPS $25!” Not to be outdone, the old Master Mechanic put up his own sign: “WE FIX $25 TUNE-UPS!”
THAT’S MY BOY….
A young country boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. “Daddy,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!” “That’s absolutely amazing,” his father says. “How do I get him in that program?” “Just send him down here with $1,000” the boy says. “I’ll get him into the course.” So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. “So how’s Ole Blue doing, son,” his father asks. “Awesome, Daddy, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this – they’ve had such good results with this program that they’ve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!” “READ,” says his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?” “Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.” His father sends the money. The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. “Where’s Ole Blue? I just can’t wait to see him talk and read something!” “Daddy,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messin’ around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?’ The father says, “I hope you SHOT that crazy dog before he talks to your Mother!” “I sure did, Daddy!” “That’s my boy!”
ON GETTIN’ HITCHED
Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake. There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage. MOVING TESTIMONIAL
Three men were asked what they would want to be said about them at their funerals. The first one said, “I want someone to say I was a wonderful father.”
The second man said, “I want someone to say I was the greatest baseball player ever.”
The last man said, “I want someone to say, ‘He’s moving, he’s moving!’”
FIRST HUNT
A man drove he and his 12 year old son to the country one Saturday morning for his son’s first deer hunt. The man went to an old farmer who he had known when he was a boy and asked him permission to hunt on his land. The boy stayed in the car as the man went up to talk to the old farmer. The old farmer was happy to see the man and was happy to have him and his son hunt on his place. The old farmer also asked the man to do him a favor. He explained that his mule, which was standing out in front of the house, was very old and would never make it through the coming winter. He asked the man if he would please shoot the mule for him, as he couldn’t bear to do it himself. He said, just shoot him and I’ll drag him off with the tractor later. Sure the man replied, no problem. As he walked back to the car the man decided to play a joke on his son. He got into the car with a disgusted look on his face, slammed the door and beat his fist on the steering wheel a couple of times and said, “I can’t believe it, that old man has deer all over this place that he doesn’t hunt and he won’t allow us to hunt them either. We drove all this way for nothing. I’ll show that old fool.” The man then grabbed his shotgun, jumped out of the car, and shot the old mule dead. Just as he was turning to see his son’s reaction he heard BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, from his son’s side of the car. His son yelled, “We showed him dad, you killed his mule, and I got his bull and two cows. Now let’s get out of here!”
FINAL WORD: “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”
~Mark Twain
